I took this photo when I was 8 weeks pregnant with our twins. We had an ultrasound that morning and had seen their rapid heartbeats for the second time. Their little gummy bear bodies floating around made my own heart race in excitement. I was shocked at the small bump forming, which funnily is just what my body looks like now.
But I look at the smile on this face, and I realize its purity. I didn’t know the heartbreak in store. This was the most innocent pregnancy ever was for me. When I was pregnant with my son, after our loss, I was scared. I would take bump pictures for preservation, but I could never emulate this smile. This purely innocent, excited smile.
Pregnancy and infant loss is life altering. It changes you. And no matter if you go on to have a rainbow baby or not, you can never regain this moment. This first time, excited anticipation.
Today, I grieve that. I don’t just miss my babies. I miss her too. Me. I miss some parts of me that I can’t get back. Still, I am ever grateful for the life I have. The son that greets me every morning. I have laughter and joy.
Perhaps, I feel stuck back in some of these early moments again because we jumped back into IVF at the beginning of last year. And in a year we have had a series of disappointments and some overall wins. I hope to get back to this blog and tell you about it. When I can, when I have the breath, the mental space. When I even know what to say about what is going on.
Truthfully, I don’t know where our story is going. And I’m a read the last page to decide if I want to read a book kind of gal. But if grief and joy have taught me anything, it’s that many things are unpredictable - or you know, unread-ahead-able. There is no Timehop ap for the future, just the past. And memories are good (to have), but so is being present. I'm working on that.
This share is for anyone else out there, grieving yourself before your loss. I feel you. And it's okay, it doesn't mean you don't love you now, you after other good things have happened. You can love you now and miss you then - just like you can wish for them back and still love the life you have now.
I breathe out that moment, and breathe in this present one.
Hi, I'm Tiffany. I believe in the power of stories to connect us to each other. I write about life after loss and all the love, longing, and learning that comes from it. Grief is big, love is bigger. My newest stories are about motherhood (after both infertility and loss). In my experience, love doesn't get bigger than motherhood.
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