I wrote this poem for Finnian and Maisie and read it at their memorial after we lost them. I was still trying to figure out how to tell my heart what happened and also tell them how long I will love them – near or far.
“How long do you wanna be loved?”
I held your toes, little half grains of rice, each perfectly rounded.
Your tiny feet made prints on my heart, now splashing in sky puddles -
If there is laughter in heaven I’m sure it is yours;
I’ve never before heard a sound so clearly that my eardrums hadn’t vibrated,
but I know it, just like I know you.
Like I know each inch of your tiny body,
The way it sat in the palm of my hand -
Your long fingers wrapped around the tip of mine,
Your knuckles rapping on pearly gates to make an early arrival.
If there is sunshine in heaven I bet it surrounds you.
When your lips blow kisses into the wind,
And your heartbeat swooshes among starlight,
I breathe in deeply -
One day closer.
If my arms could have rocked you longer,
If my pelvis had been stronger,
If my body had mimicked my love for you,
If we could have had longer,
I still could not have loved you more.
You have it all.
If there is time in heaven I hope it stands still -
Still as the moment we last embraced,
So that when I wrap my arms around you again,
And the smile spreads across your face,
I’ll know that you remember the way my heart sounds from the inside;
And together we will make footprints in sky puddles
and laughter in heaven.
And I’ll sing your lullaby one more time -
“How long do you wanna be loved?
Is forever enough?”
By: Tiffany Kann
Hi, I'm Tiffany. I believe in the power of stories to connect us to each other. I write about life after loss and all the love, longing, and learning that comes from it. Grief is big, love is bigger. My newest stories are about motherhood (after both infertility and loss). In my experience, love doesn't get bigger than motherhood.
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